And then there was . . . .

 Hey youngest child of mine, I'm sorry that neither you or your brothers could make it yesterday (a holiday) to the Lost Dog at noon but you've got a birthday coming up this month! Maybe I'll see you at noon at the Lost Dog then ;-) and you can fill me in on your doin's for the last decade and a half; whether you graduated finally from that safety school you went to that you asked me in your last communication fifteen years ago to provide full payment for tuition and fees for, which I did, and how your wedding was and whether you're still married to that same ambitious lady Laura (whom I have never met), and how it's going being a sales clerk at that lightbulb store you work in, and whether you sired one or both of the grandchildren I reputedly have and how they're doing. You know, basic stuff like what their names are, when they were born and to whom, what sex they are, normal stuff that any parent would tell a child's grandparent about.

And I can fill you in on what's going on in the Lamberton world, not that you or your brothers have ever expressed a scintilla of basic human concern or even curiosity about your close kin for the last two decades. Come on, we'll party hardy for an hour!